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July 01, 2006
Midnight Ramblings
I worked on another unfinished entry tonight. I think I have a stack of about 5 now waiting to be gone over again, for me to figure out what my point was at the time, and to see if it's "worth saying." I think one of those entries might even be a "worthwhile part II" that I'd always intended to put out there. So tonight I'm just going to scrap the pretense, the hope that I'll write some brilliant piece that'll get me the Pulitzer of blogdom or will change someone's life or communicate some brilliant truth. Poo on that.
My thoughts tonight, as they come:
I love Aimee Wilson. Or at least, her voice, her words, and her song "Timbers Fall." I only barely know her personally through my church in Chattanooga, but I listen to that song about 8-10 times a week at work. "The wind blows and blows, and it breezes through until I find it's not my calling that brought You... and I don't have to call to have you hear me." Good stuff.
I've been back in West County not even a week and I think I'm done. I like being in MY house rather than someone else's, and I like the free pool and workout room (or at least, knowing it's there) and the neighbours' free wireless. But I can't wait to move back into the city!
I feel an emotional disconnect between myself and my soul. The person I've been of late is not the person I am. The person I am hurts, gets angry, and is overly honest about what's really going on with her. The person I've been is narcotically happy to compensate for soulish unrest, is brash and obnoxious to protect the wounds, and is loud to block out possible silence, constantly interrupting God to avoid His penetrating voice. Tonight He and I had it out a bit. I'm not even sure what was said, I just know that He opened me, I opened, and I cried and cried and cried - the kind of cry where you're afraid you're disturbing the neighbours and you're hiccuping and you nearly break the toilet paper roll as you fumble to get something to blow your nose on. (I never was one of those elegant, dainty cryers.) He exposed my soul to me and to him and he exposed himself to my soul. And it was good.
My right calf is currently twitching. Can anyone out there tell me why muscles just start twitching? I have a friend who used to have a weird twitch where one eye would wink ever so slowly and seemingly flirty. He didn't even know he did it until I asked him why he was winking at me in class one day. Poor kid. I just hope his now wife has picked up on it so she doesn't get mad when he winks at a waitress or whomever.
I'm feeling the urge to do something creative and artistic lately, but I don't know what. If I were a boy, I would follow my brother's and my friend's example and go out and photograph the night away, but it's not the same as a girl. And I really shouldn't be driving my car until I get new brake pads. So I think I'm gonna get out my paints. That's right, I have paints. I do not paint. I do not know how to paint. But I have a coupla brushes and practice canvas boards and some oils and here's to trying new things. Man, I should have done it earlier when I was a little more angst-ridden. Angst always seems to facilitate better art in my experience.
I went to Las Vegas for work last week. I think the next "Grace" church (e.g., Grace DC, Grace Seattle, et al) should be Grace Las Vegas. Initially I just liked the name, but when I think about it, can you imagine what grace could look like there?!? It really would provide some visible feet to the words "where sin increased, grace increased all the more." Another name idea would just be Sin City PCA...
| By Heather | 12:28 AM
Comments
Dear Heather,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I'm glad u were able to have it out with God last night. He is so good to give us these times.
I think crying is a salve for wounds. There is something in us that has to release pains. I remember when I was studying abroad, a few times, I sat on the bathroom floor and let all the pain I was feeling (loneliness, hurt ) out. This experience really helped me conect with the reality of the pain I was carrying.
I think I have only really cried (the hiccuping, sobbing kind) into a friend or sisters arms a few times, but that is another type of salve the Lord lends us. To know the safety and unconditional love of a friend, while pouring out sorrow (something I am often afraid of), is such a blessing.
Love,
Laura
PS: I'm not sure about the muscle twitching either, but I experience that every once in a while, in my leg, eye, or side ? I think I heard the eye twitching has something to do lacking a certain vitamin? Maybe Heidi will respond to your post as she's good at knowing such things.
Posted by: lara at July 1, 2006 09:32 AM
Heather, I love this post. Its juxtapostion of whimsy and seriousness, seems to reflect your personality.
I am glad you had it out with God and had a cry too. That can be such a beautiful thing, like the freesh cleanness and calm after a heavy thunderstorm.
Peace and blessings on you.
Posted by: Neil at July 1, 2006 10:32 AM
Wow I have now responded to ALL the new St. Louis Blog posts. And, wearing this like a badge, I say, Hi Heather! It's me, Heidi, Laura’s sister-in-law. I'm the one that handed you the half-unclothed child on Sunday. We don't know each other very well, but I read all the St.Louis blogs, and I want you to know I read yours too. Big smile!
O.K., your muscle is twitching because of a vitamin deficiency, which can be exacerbated by stress…AKA...break pad dilemmas, being a woman it this day and age, pretending to be happy when your not (here I insert an authentic, non-twitch-related wink to Laura because she encouraged me to give medical advice. I love it cause for the first two years of college I was studding to be a doctor, but and gave it up for literature and theatre)!
I really like your honesty, I relate to much of what you wrote about life’s stresses, and I have to tell you, painting like Pollack sounds very freeing! I don’t paint much, but I love dancing and drawing…both are great outlets when falling on hard times. Blessings!
I think there should be an award for the most obsessive blogger! I now bow my head for the blue ribbon to be draped around my neck.
Posted by: Heidi V at July 3, 2006 04:50 PM
heather -
i'm glad you had it out with God. thanks for sharing with us. okay, now why is it when we have those kind of cries they seem to occur on the bathroom floor? i think for me it's a way of just falling down and saying alright, i give up, i really can't do it by myself.
Posted by: Claire at July 3, 2006 05:56 PM